HE'S THE ONE / it's not possible

[WARNING. VERY LONG AND SILLY POST. =P (pls remember i'm not crazy, the last part, i was just joking/daydreaming!)]

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Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
-- Marcel Proust
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though i'm almost Vulcan now, with my super-logical mind,
there's a tiny part of me that, from the time i watched those
silly, illogical and romantic fairytales in the form of
Disney cartoon movies (especially the little mermaid,
which i really related 2 and thought of myself resembling
ariel a lot cuz of my situation)---still hopes to find
that prince charming one day.

i think the closest i can come 2 finding prince charming is
discovering toma!!! really!
he's got all the qualities i look 4 in prince charming.
he's SO handsome.
he's got a great sense of humor. he's famous.
he's taller than me. he's friendly, got a great personality.
ok, he's actually 2 years younger than me, but
i don't mind! =)
he's SUPER charming, talented, adoreable.
his voice is wonderful, especially when he sings.
even his laugh is cute!! (some ppl are handsome, but laugh/smile funny. ok, toma
does look funny when he smiles widely, but it's aight! kevin has
such a weird/funny laugh, though he is handsome!! haha.)

what else...toma is just so instantly likeable!!
he's 1 of those ppl that i can truly say,
"you CANNOT not like him!!". he is simply irressistable.

of course, toma has some minor flaws, he is not (though he's SO close to being!!) perfect.
he has a way of acting like a girl sometimes, it's his gestures or how he acts...
he can also LOOK like a girl sometimes, i guess cuz he's just got that kinda face...
and he's got really really nice, soft-looking lips! lol, it's a funny thing 2 notice,
but i guess cuz toma often pouts in his pics and in hana kimi, so u notice it.
but i suppose that might come from his being a model. or not...
and toma's teeth R kinda crooked. sometimes, toma can look a little creepy/scary,
if he's got too much makeup on, or as certain characters...
but really, his good qualities supercedes all that.

i know i've had big crushes on other guys be4, like daniel chan, hacken, edison, raymond cho,
but i just am HEAD OVER HEELS, SWEPT OFF MY FEET, CRAZY IN LOVE, ADDICTED 2 toma right now!
hahaha. to the point that 1 of my life goals is 2 meet toma, at least get my pic taken with him,
or get his autograph. i'd LOVE LOVE 2 get a hug! ;]

ah, but i am just 1 more girl, 1 in a million of his fans, many of which R die-hard fans that know a lot more about him, R much more obsessed with him and love him 2 a degree that i cannot fathom or ever reach!

anyway, we could never be together. but since i'm just imagining all this, i will list all the reasons this princess (that's me!) couldn't possibly ever be together with this prince charming, prince toma! haha. (i actually used 2 have a crush on a real prince, Prince, gosh, i forgot his name...right, Prince William of the UK! haha...the same age as me....but that was years and years ago la! he doesn't look so great now. haha.) just cuz it'll be fun 2 think about this. daydreaming starts...NOW.

1. i don't live in japan. i'm not even japanese, and i can't speak japanese...
maybe toma can speak english, and we could possibly communicate that way, but in very basic terms.

2. toma is a celebrity. i am not. we don't match. and it would be hard 2 find ways 2 meet him. even then, it's just 2 get his autograph or give him something quick. there doesn't seem 2 even be anyway 2 leave comments 2 him online like at a blog or anything.
(lol, crazy over him that i was while watching hana kimi, at 1 time, i actually seriously considered trying 2 become a model/actress so i could have more possibilities of meeting toma!! but i came back down to earth and reality in a couple hours la! hahahaha. seriously, though, i just read in shun's wikipedia that that was how he became an actor, just cuz he liked this female celebrity....but i'm so Monk-ish and like having anonymonity, i don't think i could do what he did!! UNLESS i was discovered by a scout or something, that's 1 of my daydreams, and they would train me, help me be famous, then i would definitely try it!!! just that i'm not gonna try 2 take acting classes, go to auditions, etc., really have 2 work at it cuz i don't think i'd be good at it!! i'm more of a behind the scenes person, doing all the planning/organizing...like a director maybe!! also 1 of my dream jobs. besides, i'm asian, and living in the usa. not much acting/modeling opportunities for asians here. though i'm happy 2 see more asians on tv and in the movies lately!! go, asian power! lol.)


3. the cultures we grew up in are vastly different. though i am asian, i grew up in the usa, & i'm still not very clear on the japanese culture and way of life. it could be hard 2 get along...

----> 4 now, let's imagine i somehow overcome these hurdles and toma and i fall in love. it would still NOT work out between us, for all of the following reasons!!

4. well, his parents probably would not like me cuz i'm not japanese (though some ppl have said i looked japanese. but i usually ignore those "you look like you're..." comments anyway, cuz who's to say what nationality u look like?? race is such a flawed way 2 divide ppl). my parents would not like him cuz he's japanese. even IF he's a popular, good-looking celebrity, i don't think it would help them like him more. haha! that's how much they DON'T like japan/japanese ppl. so our parents would be against us being together. ah, it's like romeo and juliet all over again!! the capulets and the montigues. why can't we all just get along??

5. toma's too perfect. but that's the thing, he's TOO perfect! i would certainly be worried all the time that he's gonna leave me 2 go out with some1 else better, or be worried other girls R trying 2 steal him away from me. and so i'd get jealous easily, or call him all the time, etc. either he'd get sick of it and dump me, or i'd get too self-conscious anyway (and tired of his fans being jealous of us and hating me!!) and breakup with him myself.

6. i would most certainly be jealous of all the guy friends he has, and all the time he spends with them. i mean, i'm already jealous of them NOW! lol. jealous of them 4 all the time they get 2 spend with him, and jealous of HIM 4 all the friends he has! lol... but i suppose if i was good enough 2 be toma's girlfriend, i probably would be already popular and also have a lot of girl friends! i can see it now, us having fights all the time about all the time he spends with them. haha!

7. here's the thing... though i like toma's loveable personality, he seems very outgoing and open with his feelings. but i'm the exact opposite. i wouldn't be comfortable with that, unless by then my personality has gone 180. opposites may attract, but it doesn't always sustain a relationship!

8. the media would follow us everywhere...seems like celebrity couples or couples that are half celebrity, half a regular person, never last long. cuz of the media scrutiny. and time not spent together...u have 2 work and sleep, or travel, spend time with family/friends, etc. when you're famous like toma. (or as i imagine i would be then, not famous or just a not well-known model/actress.) how could our already shaky relationship and not-so-strong love endure all these challenges??

------> but right now, let's pretend we somehow overcame all the above obstacles, and decided 2 get married! why we would STILL have problems:

9. where would we live?? sure, it was fine be4, with me temporarily living and working in japan while we were dating. but when it's time 2 settle down and really start a family, where would we live? my parents would undoubtedly want me 2 live in the usa, while his would want him 2 stay in japan. i would probably actually prefer 2 live in HK, which is fairly close 2 japan, but toma probably wouldn't.
i don't think it'd ever be possible to convince my parents or his parents 2 move 2 a different country.
what a big dilemma!! but actually, he'd only be able 2 continue acting/singing in japan, so i guess most probably, i'd have 2 stay there with him, and just try 2 visit my parents more, or possibly ask them 2 move 2 HK, where i'd be easier and faster 2 visit them or them 2 visit us.

10. children. i can't imagine giving birth to a baby. and after that, taking care of it, teaching it, making sure nothing happens 2 it....it would drive me crazy....actually, i don't even like having pets, and i know toma's got a dog. what if he wants 2 have children and i don't? that would be bad....and even when i suggest adopting children, he insists on having biological children.

[***this dialogue is fictional. please pardon the foolishness!]:

and i'd be like: do u know how much money and responsibility it takes 2 have a baby? i can't do it, i can't take it, i don't want a baby! [btw, we R at the beach, at night...i'm picturing it now. we were just taking a walk in the moonlight, and soon started arguing.]

and he'd be: i've always wanted 2 be a father! i think u'd be a good mother! wouldn't it be wonderful to have a couple kids calling you "mommy"?

and i'd be like: A COUPLE?! how many kids do u want? do u know how painful it is 2 give birth?!

and he'd be like: i was hoping to have at least 1 boy and 1 girl, but maybe 3 or 4 would be ok? just like your family, 2 boys and 2 girls, that would be perfect! and i can go in the operating room with u when u give birth, i'll be there for u!

and i'll be like: good grief! i can't even imagine taking care of 1, and now u're thinking 4?! and what happens to my career? i have 2 give it up 2 be a housewife, and u expect me to stay home 2 take care of them all day while you're out with your friends or working all the time?? and don't expect me 2 believe u don't look at the pretty girls u work with all the time and wish u were with them rather than with me! i see! i see the way u look at them! either that or u'd rather spend time with your handsome, cool, guy friends, right?! cuz they're all so PERFEcT, like u, unlike me!

and he'd be like: EH???
what R u talking about?! stop yelling! if i didn't love u, why would i be with u, ask u 2 marry me?? i would try 2 spend more time at home with you and the kids, of course. it would be best if we could take turns taking care of the baby, and we could both still work! we just need 2 find a good nanny....or my parents could take care of them during the day.

and i'd be like: i'm sorry, i'm just not ready 2 have children right now. can't we wait a couple years be4 we have a baby? and i'm sorry 4 being jealous all the time. it's just, i'm so afraid of losing u, toma!

and he'd be like: i guess so...R u sure u R ok with staying in Japan permanently, though? i know your family and friends must miss you...i know you're giving up a lot 2 be with me.

and i'd be like: ...maybe we should not be together... [tearing up]

and he'd be like: NO, don't say that! don't. i love u![rushes over and hugs me tightly]

and i'd be like: it's true, u know it's true! it was a mistake from the start. [crying]
from the moment i first met u at the restaurant, 2 years ago, i should never have gone over 2 talk 2 u.
but i was such a big fan, u were the main reason i came to japan.

and he'd be like: [holding me by the shoulders, looking straight at me] NO. we've gone thru so much to be together, i won't give up now. as long as we love each other, we can withstand all obstacles! nothing can seperate us.

and i'd be like: i love u, but i love u too much! i worry about losing u all the time, it's making me lose my mind! even when we've made it this far, i still worry. that 1 day you'll realize u can be with some1 better than me and leave me. then it would hurt too much...it would kill me! i can't go on like this. it's not you, it's me. the problem lies with me. i'm not confident enough, i'm not...good enough. i'll never be good enough. i'll never deserve you.

and he'd be like: what do i have to do?! to prove to you i won't leave you? why can't you trust me? u can depend on me! believe in me, believe in yourself!

and i'd be like: i can't. it's too much, it's all too much. the paparazzi following us all the time, i'm too jealous, our parents don't accept us being together, your fans hate me, i'm not used to life in japan, i don't even like sushi! it's everything! we're just not meant to be. [gently remove his hands from my shoulders and step back]

and he'd be like: i'm sorry. u have been under so much pressure. but so have i. it's too difficult for us 2 be together... and u have sacrificed so much, i know...

and i'd be like: even though we can't be a couple, we can still be friends. i'll always cherish the happy memories we had together!

and he'd be like: i'll never forget these past 2 years, all the times we spent together...yes, we can still see each other...friends forever, right?

and i'd be like: always!

and he'd be like: where will u go now?

and i'd be like: i think i will stay in hong kong for a while, i can stay at a friend's house. take some time off to relax and recharge, try 2 get over u. haha. reconcile with my parents, spend time with some friends...

and he'd be like: u mean a girl friend, right? just want to make sure...in case i come visit u, i don't want 2 see u with another guy so soon! haha.

and i'd be like: yes, a girl, u thickheaded boy! =P
..........................i'll...see u around...

and he'd be like: see u later. [we both smile thru the pain, and i turn around and start walking away as he looks on....both of us start crying. =( ]

.......
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WHOA. can't believe how far my imagination went with this imaginary relationship, huh?
hahaha. though we can never be together,
but i will always love and support toma.
and i know he'll find the right person for him.
and when he does, i will
wish them all the best, though a part of me
will be thinking
will be wishing
that it was me.
(though another part of me
will know that it could
NOT be me, for all the reasons
i have listed above!)